Decisions

My husband and I have a lot of decisions to make.  It doesn't help that my husband is not a planner.  He "flies by the seat of his pants" as many say.  But, unfortunately, everything we do takes some planning and my husband relies on me for that.  And, I don't have the confidence to make big decisions.  So, we often get caught in an odd position.  But, we are learning. 

We have a lot of financial decisions to make, especially when it comes to ABA.  There is no doubt that the program is excellent.  There is no doubt that Isaac is responding well to it, and there is no doubt that he needs it.  So, the question is, how are we going to pay for it and how are we going to maintain it? 

My husband took a pay cut to come here, and he has recently been transferred to a new route which will be another small pay cut (we were hoping for the opposite.)  We have money from the sale of our house, but with the cost of therapy, special products, and medical treatments, we will run out too quickly.  I quess I've had some fantasy that family members or church family would see our situaiton and come to our aid.  But, no doubt, WE ARE ON OUR OWN. 

We do have options, and the only way I can see that we are going to SURVIVE this is to better our financial situation.  After all, this problem is not going to go away.  I so wish it would, and I believe in miracles.  But, there are a lot of people out there that love God and are going through the same thing.

The question is, how do we provide what our child needs?  Someone has to be available during day time hours to run back and forth to therapies and doctor's visits.  I think only another aut-mom can understand the demands of this.  If I find a full-time job, David would have to quit and take on a part-time job.  He could finish some schooling.  This seems like the easiest option, but NOTHING has opened up.  And, I do have concerns that David won't be able to manage what I'm doing.  He is not as good at reading Isaac's moods and keeping an eye on him.  Isaac bolts really quickly, and he can be lost in traffic in a matter of seconds.  I've been around Isaac so long and observed him so much that I believe that I often know what he is thinking.  Also, David seems to panic in many situations (for instance, if one of the kids throws up in the car), and gets everyone really stressed out.  I have to tell him to take a deep breath sometimes, and tell him that it is going to be okay. I'm a much more even-kill temperament.

I've also considered going to graduate school and taking out all the loans available.  But, I'm just not sure I could swing it.  I'm afraid that I won't be able to give my family the quality they deserve, and in the end, this might be counter-productive.  I already feel like a shell of a woman with the bags under my eyes and spaced-out mind from lack of sleep and exhaustion.  No doubt, I don't take care of myself as I need to. I only survive by a daily pot of coffee, and my diet is whatever I can cram in my mouth on the fly (usually left over toddler food).  My husband and I don't get dates, free time, cuddle time--we can't have hobbies--we can't have friends like we want to.  BUT, we enjoy our children together.  We learn to love watching Micky Mouse Clubhouse for the 500th time.  We marvel at the ability to quote every line from the show.  And, all in all, I believe we love each other more and even feel proud of the fact that we've managed to survive as a lower middle-class family dealing with AUTISM. 

I love my family, and I want the best for them.  I just need God's help on these decisions...